Regretful Past

When I was about nineteen years old I met a girl online in a Myspace chat room. We became really good friends mainly because we were both socially awkward. She was a Asian girl named Tori. Eventually I started developing feelings for her. We were close friends so much so that she was comfortable telling me about her teenage exploits to hookup with boys and other various things. Hearing her talk about these things gave rise to a strong sense of jealousy I had never felt before. At times I would lash out at her on gaming forums we visited on Myspace and she would not know the reasoning behind it. I became obsessed with her and could no longer stand when she spoke of her random exploits and began making up a life I did not really live as a sort of counter to try to make myself feel better. I could not stand how she was living more and more. I wanted the old Tori, who stayed at home all the time playing Xbox and being on her laptop. Not the Tori who got out of the house more and finally found her first steady boyfriend and was eager to tell me she finally lost her virginity. I hurt so bad on the inside that I wanted to do the same to her. But how could I? I was just a guy on a computer many states away from her. One of the things I did was to makeup a fake girlfriend to try to counter my feelings. So Tori thought I was happily in a relationship when I was not. When Tori started dating I had become so overcome by jealousy that I had faked my own death. I used my fake girlfriend I had created to help pull it off. That was my way of cutting off all contact with her. A few years later I contacted her via Facebook and told her the truth. She had figured I had made it all up even though it hurt her emotionally. I asked to restart our friendship anew but she never responded. We had been friends for three years before I faked my death. And another three years went by before I confessed. The last time I looked at her profile was in 2013. When I saw her profile pic, which was just a selfie, my heart felt ten times heavier and it took until the next day to shake that feeling. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I fell in love with her and could not handle it. And it cost me a awesome friend because of it. From time to time I think about her but I avoid looking her up online because I know my heart will punish me if I do. Kim, one of the things I promised myself when our bond as friends became tighter and tighter was that I would never make the same mistake with you. Did I get jealous when Brian was living with you and when your ex-husband allowed you to be with others? Yes, but it was never on the same level back when I was friends with Tori. I guess being older has made me much more wiser and much more in control of my emotions. Our friendship has outlasted the one I had with her and I hope it keeps going for decades. Losing you would be just as painful and I would never do anything to risk that. Your flaws mean nothing to me. People like you do not cross my path every week or every month. You are a rare gem and losing Tori taught me how important it is to hold on to a rare gem. I enjoy your time more than anybody else. Your eyes keep me fixated and intimidated. I have this constant daydream of being rich and showing up at your apartment in a Lamborghini and sweeping you off your feet into a new and much better life. If I keep daydreaming about it as much as I do it is bound to come true right? You have more pull over me than you realize. If you had that same amount of pull over your ex, then he would not be your ex because he would not have let you leave in the first place. I find you immensely beautiful. You standing beside your sister is like looking at a picture of a unicorn standing beside a donkey. I long for the day you can cry tears of joy instead the tears of depression and sadness that constantly adorn your face. Telling you things from my past like I just did is hard. But when you are telling it to someone you love and respect, like you, then it makes it so much easier. You are the only person I have told this to and you will most likely be the only one ever. I feel so comfortable, despite still being a little nervous, with telling you this sensitive info. I hope I never disappoint you because to do that I would have to disappoint myself. I hope I turn out to be everything you could want as a friend or even more. If not I will try my best to get as close as possible. You are a key component to my life and you have been for years. I cannot imagine you not being in it. I hope you are as comfortable with me as I am with you. I love you to death and would not hesitate to give my own life up to ensure you keep yours. Your time will never be a waste to me. I know you are a busy person with a job and three beautiful children to nourish and for that I will always appreciate the time you allow me to be in your life. I will always be here for you until my last breath and my last breath will be filled with memories of people like you who have had a huge impact on my life.